I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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