you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
