The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
