Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
