to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
There's always time for handjobs
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
