If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
