Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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