mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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