So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
