He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
