Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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