If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
