I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It's blow job season.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
