he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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