You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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