You're so nebulous sometimes
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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