she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
