I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
