There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
why do cheetos always look like penises
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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