my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
