did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
