theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
