And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
