I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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