guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
