I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I still have a little drunk in my system
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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