Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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