omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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