I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm getting married
To pizza
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
