Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
