she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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