I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
