I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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