Your tits are I can't wait for
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
