Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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