I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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