If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so let's talk penis.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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