i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
