after a month anything with tits is on the radar
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
