True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
