oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
