i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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