you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
