There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
