shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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