I like to think it a success when the cops are called
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
