you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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