Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
