My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
