I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
