That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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