Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
