so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
