i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
