I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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