Can i not drive my cunt home
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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