Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I pour the whiskey from now on
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
