I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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