Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
