I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Pants are for mortals
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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