How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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