I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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