oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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